Hash #1411 - Kampala Club

Here I sit, my time as Hash Scribe winding down as 2010 does the same.  It's natural that at a time like this, we start to take stock of the past year.  I thought about doing this, getting all sappy about the great time I've had as scribe...  and then I remembered how much this blog reminds me of those Sunday evenings when I was in school and had a stack of homework that I hadn't yet finished, weighing on the conscience until finally I break and type up some BS for the 3.5 readers to read and chuckle over at work when they should actually be working.  Hell, who am I kidding, I sometimes write the blog when I'm supposed to be working and it's rarely done by Sunday night!

This coming weekend is the 2010 Hash Bash and along with hashing, eating, drinking beer and being generally merry, a new mismanagement will be chosen and I will be grinning ear to ear because I will soon be handing this blog and other duties over to some poor schmuck who doesn't know what he/she is getting into.

Monday's hash was at the Kampala Club and was hared by Idle Balls, Queenie and Hacken Bush.  Hacken Bush tried to explain some kind of special way the hash was set, with 3 hares, but no one was really paying attention and I was no exception so I'll just leave it at that.

Announcements:
- Hash Bash will be on the 27th of November (this Saturday) and the fee has now gone down to 35,000/- so hurry up and sign up!

***THIS JUST IN***
Nominations for KH3 Mismanagement 2011


Nomination A                                     
Hashmaster - Eddie Matumbwe - Virus
Hash Cash - Jimmy Mukasa - Mpuuta
Hare Raiser - Charles Kabunga - Mukira
Hash Stat - Fred Masadde - Knock Knees
Nominated by - Ian Clark - Hillary

Nomination B

Hashmaster - Jimmy Muyanja - Perry Mason

Hash Cash - Enoth Mugabi - Conman

Hare Raiser - Richard Mwebembezi -Mupakasi

Hash Stat - Betty Makumbi - Daddy's Girl

Nominated by - Albert Kareeba - Galloping Major

Nomination C

Hashmaster - Richard Mwebembezi -Mupakasi

Hash Cash - Enoth Mugabi - Conman

Hare Raiser - Abdu Kafuuma - Defaulter

Hash Stat - Sophie Kasozi - Mukodo

Nominated by - Sophie Kasozi - Mukodo

- Next Monday's hash is all the way over in Natete at the Stallion Hotel so make sure that you leave wherever you are by midday to get there on time.

- Special announcement about the Gisenyi Hash from last weekend:
A grand time was had by all and the Kigali Hash took it upon themselves to baptize four of our own.

• Nuru is now known as Sperm Bank
• Joann will forever be called Kuma Maji
• Deo is now named Toilet Keys
• Monica's hash handle is Street Walker

- The Hope Ward run will be taking place on November 28th - get warmed up for the MTN Marathon!  10,000/-

New Comers:

- Daniel from Germany was made to come by Dipstick

- I later found out that this guy's name is Kagimu Ema but it honestly took about 15 repeats for me to hear something that wasn't completely unintelligible.

- Bowling Balls made some dude named Edward come

- Miriam was extremely busy as she made Asaf (of E. Africa), Emily and Lillian come!

Sinners:

- Adiga was wearing a (non-hash) t-shirt that said "No, I am not on Facebook"  Anyone who knows Adiga knows this statement to be completely false!

- Sperm Bank for telling Perry Mason that if his organ fails, she's got something to help

- Slippery When Wet didn't run or pay

- Stretch Marks was not there when HM presented some peppers, I just want to ask about these peppers, were they habañero, bell or jalapeño?

- Kimasula stole the hashit implements then blamed Kamdul

- Galloping Major was brought in as a sinner (even though he's not a General) because we've known Generals to shoot but now apparently they're singing!

Chatterbox came down to the following w**kers for the usual offences:

- Slippery When Wet

- Nipples

- Daddy's Girl

Nipples won and took two down downs for her farewell hash.

Hashit:

- Hillary was already the highest office in the land as Hash Master and now he's seeking to be the lowest - a politician!

- Rock Garden has been wearing earmuffs to the hash lately - the kind that play music and keep your ears warm at the same time.

- Hash Cash - for some reason there were 5 coffins on the hash bash budget????!!!!!

- Shotput for uprooting and stealing plants from the K'la Club

- Al's Bar for selling his name (Busuuba) to Hillary for an undisclosed price

The winner/loser was Hillary so yet again, all Hash Masters (except Kabuki, who was hiding) got to get hashit.

On! On!

Solar Erection

Hash #1410 - Magic Car Wash

Hares: Mama Mia and Mazongoto

Mazongoto came up to me following the hash, seeming very concerned about whether it was enjoyable or not.  I told him it was fine even though I was chasing and missed the first checkpoint.  I cannot, however say the same thing about the circle.  The circle had no spirit and nearly put me to sleep and I'm not the kind of person who can gloss over a POS circle like that and make it seem like it was filled with hilarity and mirth, I am waaaaay to honest for that.  This is going to save me a lot of time, actually because while the run was good - could've used more beer stops - the circle was too boring for me to even spend beyond the bare minimum reporting, so here you go:

- Hash Bash, November 27th, Royal Suites, 40,000/-
- Gisenyi has already happened by this point so I won't bother, hope everyone had fun in Rwanda!
- Monday's run is at Kampala Club - zea zea as Mpuuta says

New Comers:
- Harriet claims to be the most beautiful girl in the world... umm... yeah, I disagree but I like your blind, stupid confidence, Harriet, it makes writing this thing easy :)  So Harriet is working in Kansanga and Nunu, whoever that is, made her come.
- Sir Song Man is a visiting hasher from Holland and the Jakarta hash where he was way back in 1978, before this Hash scribe was even born
- We also had Notin Any from the Netherlands (she corrected his common geographical error that is somehow quite common for people who actually come from there...) adding that they both always come by themselves
- Faruk from K'la came because of Defaulter
- Ernest from Italia came with Joshua - we all know how those Europeans can be.
- Ball Gazer - seems like she's been hashing unless her parents really had a sense of humor or she's trying to name herself - came with Nipples
- Dolly Dutch was also in there with her fellow dutchies
- Nunu has been a very, very busy girl indeed because she also made Marion come, Nunu, get off the sexual network!!!!!
- Chris Jackson is unlucky enough to hail from California which is really such a horrible thing that I can't bear to make any more fun, Yvette made him come

We were treated to a song by our new Dutch friends, I couldn't make out much off what they were saying but the song seemed to be about gay, Mexican, terrorist bears...  or not.

Sinners
- Katanga Bbi was chatting up someone for a change, I think I'll just give him scribe duty from now on so he stops bothering people with his inane stories and jokes.
- Swine Flu was a look alike for Hash Cash who had bought two super-awesome Firefly(TM) lights from one of the friendliest, nicest and best looking hashers, for the hash but has absconded with them both for his private use.
- Dayo came late - strange for a man of his age, there must have been some interesting drugs in play - and never even ran
- Dip Stick - I'm not sure what his actual offense was but when he came to kneel in the circle, he was drinking a glass of wine.  If this isn't a hashitable offense, I'm really not sure what is, but he got off quite easy this time

Dirty Dick was recognized with New Shoes

Chatterbox went to Kwashiorkor who beat out Ball Gazer, Chilli Sauce and Federo

Hashit went to Perry Mason who didn't run the hash and was not doing his job as a member of the goon squad...

See everyone at the Kampala Club!

On! On!

Solar Erection

Kaazi Run - #1409

This year's Kaazi Run was hared by Pisser as usual, and as usual hashers had a nice Saturday run while breathing more dust than actual air.  Hashers assembled at the American Recreation Association in Makindye mid-afternoon, collected their t-shirts and set off around 4:30pm.

I am admittedly slower than the average hasher but some of my highlights included being amassing the following list of greetings from children and adults along the way:

1. "Muzungu bye!!"  - this is a standard, heard at any hash where children are present
2. "See you!" - this was an interesting take, slightly different but more or less the same gist
3. "See you later!" - I felt a little bad about this because, sorry kid, you're not going to see me later
4. "How ah yoo?!" - nice touch but most of the time I wanted to scream "hot and tired!!!!!" at the poor kids so I opted for refraining from speaking instead
5. "You have to catch up, you are too lazy!"  - this guy is pretty lucky that I'm not the one he was talking to.  I may have run off the road and coughed the dust out of my lungs into his eyes
6. Something in Luganda spoken by one man to a group of men, then uncontrollable laughter - I always assume the worst of this situation, like that they're probably being totally misogynistic, sexist, dickhead-asshole-douchebags but I'm going to assume the best of people and translate what he was saying to, "Oh my goodness, look at that utterly fabulous and intelligent young lady running by!  While she is not the fastest runner I have seen, but she is giving a good effort and that is commendable.  Say, have you heard that rap that Museveni does? It's pretty funny, isn't it?"  LOL LOL LOL

The highlight of my run, though, was noticing a sign painted on the wall of a neighborhood bar stating "NO SMORKING."  For the rest of my run I was planning how I would introduce the verb "to smork" into the Red Pepper dictionary as a word that means to publicly humiliate oneself, as a senior politician, all in the hopes of gaining the youth vote in an upcoming election.  Thoughts?  If you can think of a better definition for "smork" leave  it in the comments and we can vote on the best ones.

Upon arrival at Kaazi there was plenty of fruits and water (for a change... ahem... Itching Thighs!) and hashers milled around waiting for the arrival of the final few runners.  

While on our first rounds, I overheard some asshat douchebags teasing Sad Term about having collapsed last year from heat exhaustion.  I was not at Kaazi last year but I heard about it and apparently these very same asshat douchebags did absolutely nothing to help a hasher in need.  You know who you are and you should be totally ashamed of yourselves.  I am sorry to get so serious on a blog that is usually upbeat and humorous but sometimes, things need to be said and I'm not afraid to do it.

OK, back to the circle.  Pisser lead the circle and started with asking for comments on the hash which included:

- too wet

- too dusty

- no beer stops

- no water

ANNOUNCEMENT: If you didn't get a t-shirt for the run give Pisser your size and you'll get your shirt at Run #1411 on November 22nd.

New Comers

- Eddie from Kenya seemed confused with whether he was a new-comer or a visiting hasher but he was happy to take a down-down for both.  He was in from the Nairobbery hash and was looking for a nice Ugandan woman to steal away.

- Jeremy Philips is in Kampala working to empower African children or some such nonsense.

- Anthony from North Carolina was just passing through

- Asad, who is Ugandan, single, searching and an interior designer was coming for the first time

Returnees

- Adiga has just returned from paternity leave

- Off Layer is reporting to be back from giving birth to triplets

I wonder if the two are connected...

Sinners

- Martin was probably the fastest runner at the Kaazi run this year but he came in 8th because he got lost in Makindye before he arrived at the starting line.

- Chili Sauce brought Eddie back into the circle because he came begging to Chili when asked to song us a sing.  Chili then made him sing the 3rd verse of the Kenyan National Anthem for everyone in Kiswahili.

- Johnny Walker was brought into the circle for getting the run t-shirt but then wearing a different one

- Small Hole nearly drove over White Crap because he was the last hasher, but Small Hole couldn't be located so a look-alike was chosen

Chatterbox

The award came down to Noor, who was so busy chatting that she broke a glass, and Gordon (who may not have actually known his given name) who had been chatting with Noor.  Noor won.

Baptism

Robert Musobe from the east was given the name choices of Jiggers, Roaming Jiggers and Jigger Erection.  Of course the hashers were most fond of Jigger Erection so he will now and forever be known as Jigger Erection - I was told that it has something to do with the Jigger outbreaks in Busoga and poverty being caused by Museveni.

New Shoes

Idrissa, one of the FRBs was caught with some fancy new shoes that didn't hold soda very well.

Hashit

- Prepaid Sex won Chatterbox on Monday, kept the implements for Xmas tree decoration and then lied to the Grand Master about where they were

- Kifurugunyu for just being himself

- Masolo needed a translation on something... not sure what.

Kifurugunyu won the ultimate honors/punishment.

The next hash is at MAGIC CAR WASH!  See you there.

On! On!

Solar Erection

Run #1408 Hotel International 2000!

Keeping with the trend, I'll start with a joke, here we go:

Q: How many hash scribes does it take to write drivel about a bunch of w**kers every week?

A: More than 2 if the two are Solar Erection and Katanga Bbi

Yes, I know that we (read I) have been lost and while I'm not sure about Katanga, I have two great excuses: 1 - it gets truly exhausting writing about you bastards every week.  and 2 - I've been out of the country and haven't attended a hash since Joglo Bar.  I suppose I could've guessed what happened and written about that, and I likely would've been 97% right but maybe we'll try that route another time.

Katanga - I'm waiting for your clever excuse.

Monday's hash was at "Hotel International 2000" and honestly my favorite part of that name is the 2000 - like they want us to know they haven't remodelled or made any improvements for over a decade.  Have some forethought people!

The Hare was Itching Thighs and while she was quite mean with the number of (quite obvious) check backs she planned for us, she was quite polite, saying things like "Runners, Hashers down, PLEASE!"  I don't think I've ever heard such good manners from a hasher - it really caught me off guard.  But then all was back to normal when we arrived back at Hotel International 2000 and there was no water to be seen.  The walkers and FRBs had sucked the one case dry and the rest of us were left to wander around like whiny children, asking "WHERE IS THE WATER??? GIVE US WATER!"

Though Kiluvluv was offering us the option of drinking out of some kind of puddle that had accumulated in the yard.  Many may have opted for this even though it'd likely give them bilharzia of the stomach and ebola, simply because there was truly no other water in sight... besides the pool... and everyone knows that kids and some certain hashers pee in the pool, so that option was crossed off the list.

Anyway, the water eventually showed up and we eventually started the circle:

The consensus of the run was that there was no where near enough beer and either not enough of too many checkbacks and of course - too much water for hashers when they finished.

Announcements:

- Kaazi Run is this Saturday starting in Makindye at the ARA.  It costs 10,000/- and registration starts at 3:30 at the ARA.  There will be a bus from Kaazi back to the ARA following the run and a bus leaving Kaazi at 2:45 for those who want to park there.

- Some w**ker who fancies himself a bit of a Benedict Arnold got up and was offering an alternative Hash Bash...  For cheaper...  Yeah, I'm not sure either.

- The real Hash Bash will be held at Royal Suites on November 27th, the fee is 40,000/-  (Though if you're looking for something for around 25,000/- you can go to the Judas Hash Bash - though besides the price I'm not sure of any details)

- Gishenyi Run - register @Shop 47  the fee is $68 and transport will be 80,000/-

- MTN - They are still threatening to close registration... now they say it's Nov 7th...  We all know you'll still be able to register up to the week before but just in case they keep their word, you may want to think about registering.

- Next Monday's Hash will be held at a place called Magic Parking near Christ the King and La Bonita.  I can't help but wonder, what the hell is so magical about a parking lot?  We'll have to go and find out.  Usual crowd, usual time.

Newcomers
- Jan says he's from Kampala and that Long John Silver made him come but remaining quite mysterious, that's all he told us so I'll have to make up the rest.  Jan, pronounced "yan," is a muzungu from somewhere in Europe so my deductive skillz tell me that he is here working for a state agency or NGO.  Or Jan could be a mercenary.

Returnees
- Danny Boy has returned from China where he was getting his masters but if you ask me I'd say that he just had a major case of Yellow Fever, if you know what I mean.

Sinners
-Inflation didn't bother coming into the circle when returnees were called for
- Pamper and Masulo were talking all through the circle
- Conman was outed in a recent edition of some newspaper - but before you get your torches and pitchforks it was for being baker and not the lawyer we thought he was.
- Landlord was caught canoodling with young boys on the route, since Landlord himself had run off we had to go with a look-alike who told me his name and it sounded like Robert Mugabe, so that's what I'm writing, even though he didn't have a Hitler-esque mustache and he also didn't look like an ancient, Zimbabwean autocrat so I'm thinking it wasn't THAT Rober Mugabe.
- Two big-bellied men with matching t-shirts were both always on the phone so they were brought in but also made to "turn around" and show us those glorious, 8.5 month baby bumps.

Chatterbox
Pre-paid Sex ended up beating out Jackie and Thierry's Pussy and Nipples for Chatterbox for doing what hashers do - shooting the shit, gossiping, running their mouths, yeah, all that stuff.
Hashit
- Kwashiorkor was overheard shouting to Queenie as he ran by, "Don't worry Queenie, I still love you!"  This is a little sad because, as we all know, while Queenie has been known to go for ginger ladies, they usually have a much lighter complexion than Kwashiorkor.
- Alex was brought in simply because he's a muzungu and claims that he works in Kampala "once in a while."
- Monique who doesn't even know why she was there, was brought in for being a goody-goody.

When we were seconds from singing a down-down for Kwashiorkor as Hashit, the award was stolen by Pamper who prematurely threw a soft drink at Kwashiorkor.  Now a brief lesson for all hashers: doing anything prematurely isn't good - avoid it all costs, otherwise reap the consequences, as Pamper found out at Hotel International 2000!

On! On!

Solar Erection